not a word
Monday, August 5, 2013 @ 3:33 PM | 0 notes

Crying, she clung to me while I patted her hair awkwardly and said, "It's going to be okay. We're going to be fine," over and over again, hoping that my voice won't crack and betray that I don't believe a single word I said.


always
Monday, July 15, 2013 @ 5:34 PM | 0 notes

apparently i disappointed my parents again





why do i even do anything for them?
i always end up disappointing them one way or another





i'm never going to get used to the feeling
i'd rather die tbh

couples, couples everywhere
Tuesday, May 28, 2013 @ 8:26 PM | 0 notes

*blows dust off of blog*

I realize that this blog has become a ranting space for me. I'm sorry, but this is my last safe space. Not Facebook, where everyone and their mothers can comment on stuff that I post. Not Twitter, because 140 characters. Not Tumblr, where people judge people.

Hello, blog.

~ o ~

ICH BIN KEIN KIND MEHR

My parents have been making things hard for me every time I ask if I can go somewhere because it has come to their attention that most of my friends are now involved, with each other, specifically. Apparently that's a cause for alarm because "I'm getting too exposed to things I shouldn't be exposed to," which pretty much translates to "OH NO MY PRECIOUS CHILD IS SURROUNDED BY COUPLES OH NO SHE'S GONNA WANT A BOYFRIEND AND THEN GET MARRIED AND SHE'S NOT GONNA FINISH COLLEGE AND SHE'S GONNA GET PREGNANT AND SHE'S NEVER GONNA GET A JOB AND SHE'S GONNA BE POOR OH NO WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO???!!!!"

It's ridiculous.

I assured them that I don't intend to be in a relationship until after I get a job and finish college, but apparently that's not enough. I ask them to trust me, and they say they do but then they still insist their point. I totally understand what they're saying, but I need them to give me credit. I need them to say they trust me and show me that they actually do. Not just say it and impose stupid crap like "oh next time you can't watch your best friend's orchestra concert anymore because there's too many couples blahblahblah" like GOSH do you think I go because I want to be the fifth wheel? (Not to mention that I'm not actually the fifth wheel because I know someone who has more experience with that and I'm sorry but your parents don't really give you crap about this.) I went because I wanted to support my best friend and because I wanted to listen to classical music, plus I wanted to breathe some fresh air from MoCo (HAHA just kidding...or am I?)

It's like they're expecting me to want to make out with someone just because I see my friends holding hands or something.

Okay, to be fair, I do crave companionship. I am pretty lonely. I feel it in my bones sometimes. By sometimes, I mean all the time. Not to mention the whole hopeless romantic thing. It has the ability to amplify loneliness somehow. It's like a really crappy Yugioh card: LONELINESS, HOPELESS ROMANTIC 5000x MULTIPLIER

But that doesn't mean I'll just date any random guy. First of all, I'm too spiritually immature to actually be in a relationship. I want to work on that first and then date when I'm ready. Second, I don't want to be half of a couple just because I'm lonely and I feel like I'm going to die alone. I don't want to be involved out of desperation. I want to be satisfied and content in God and in my singleness. Third, I have goals and I intend to reach them with as little distractions as possible. And it's not like me being single until I get there will be a problem. I can't get a boyfriend even if I wanted to, okay.

I'm not girlfriend material, to put it bluntly. I just don't have the face or the personality. I'm a girl friend. I'm the friend you talk to when you want to talk about your significant other, and I would be happy to listen. I thrive on romantic stories and stuff. It's a thing.

Somehow I actually find it hard to imagine myself being with someone. I'm too...homely. Heh. It's good I like cats; it completes the whole image HAHAHA

Anyway since this post is pretty much me just complaining about things, I'll wrap it up. See ya.

Sunday, March 31, 2013 @ 4:50 PM | 0 notes

i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i didn't mean it i made a mistake holy crap i'm really really sorry wow n qcqym,b gcftxrdzdyfybgupojmnihgrtshexadg vhnknsbnbvfuihy;l wv

i'm not one for fanservice but i just
Thursday, March 7, 2013 @ 4:28 PM | 0 notes


*fans vigorously*

It's got really nice animation, and uhhh...very crisp artwork, yes...yeah

*fans a lot more*

a quote to rival Augustus Waters' quotes
Monday, March 4, 2013 @ 3:33 PM | 0 notes


Olive: If you loved me, and we could never, ever, ever touch, wouldn't you eventually get over it and move on letting someone else have the slightest hope that you might move on to them?
Alfredo: If I loved you? 
Olive: Yeah.
Alfredo: Then I would love you in any way I could. And if we could not touch, then I would draw strength from your beauty. And if I went blind, then I would fill my soul with the sound of your voice and the contents of your thoughts until the last spark of my love for you lit the shabby darkness of my dying mind. 
- Pushing Daisies S01E08, "Bitter Sweets"


depression
Friday, March 1, 2013 @ 3:56 PM | 0 notes

I am so ANGRY. 

I can't believe that my mom is so insensitive about depression and its legitimacy as an illness, and how people cannot just "get over it" or "change their mindset" and just ugh I AM SEETHING

I know that she's been through a lot which caused her to have depression before, and I'm sorry that she suffered, but that doesn't make other people's sufferings trivial or unimportant. It doesn't automatically mean that depression = traumatic past. Some people do experience depression as a response to trauma, but some people don't. It's not just "kaartehan" or a "teenagers these days" thing.

She even remarked that I am being over-emotional about the issue and that maybe someday I'll come to her and tell her that I'm depressed, like it's a joke or something.

Depression is not something people want to have. It's not a piece of clothing that is currently trendy and so everyone wants to jump in the bandwagon. I can't think of anyone who has it that wishes to keep it.  

It's not just being sad because you lost a contest or something, or feeling down because of an argument with a loved one.

Depression is a thick cloud constantly hanging over your head, slowly threatening to choke all the happiness out of you. It's a voice, no, voices that sing a chorus of "You will never be good enough" and "No one will ever love you, and you will die alone" inside your head every time you feel any semblance of contentment with yourself.  It's listening to a friend pour out her heart and giving advice that you can't apply to yourself but saying it anyway because maybe, just maybe, it would help her in all the ways that it couldn't help you. It's crying yourself to sleep, wishing that you don't have to be so frustrated with everything because really, you have a good life, so you really have no reason to be frustrated, and getting frustrated about being frustrated. It's looking in a mirror and only feeling disgust and revulsion and the need to scrub everything until you bleed, as if this would take away this sickening body of yours. It's hiding inside your literal closet, wondering how much better the world would be without you in it. It's tying a belt to a beam and backing out because you are such a failure you can't even get this right, you sad excuse of a person.

If it's just a matter of having a "strong mindset" then why would anyone be depressed? Why would antidepressants exist? Saying that a strong mindset can change brain chemistry would be like saying that being strong willed can cure diabetes or cancer or whatever. It sounds great, but it's just not true.

And yes, mother, I actually have been diagnosed by a professional mental health specialist as having mild clinical depression and anxiety. And this is why I didn't tell you.