i don't even
Friday, January 27, 2012 @ 1:05 AM
| 0 notesI've lost weight in less than a month.
It's not a miracle. No, I'm not taking diet pills, and I'm not dieting, for that matter.
I've been starving myself.
Not because of that thinspiration crap or because I'm becoming anorexic or whatever. It's more of a punishing myself thing.
I don't eat until I've finished all my homework. Like right now. My stomach is twisting and the pain is almost too much to bear, but I can't eat. My science fair board is due tomorrow, and so is my 15-page research paper, notes for AP Psych, and Yearbook stuff. Mostly the science fair things. I feel like I don't deserve to eat because I haven't worked enough. I do, I know I do. I've been pushing myself too hard these past three weeks. I know because I feel the fatigue in my bones, the weariness to go to school not because I'm lazy, but because I know that my teachers would just pile on assignment after assignment, the anxiety that I would never finish everything that I'm supposed to do. I complain and talk about it a lot, of course, but I always laugh and pretend like I can actually do it. My classmates empathize with me and tell me that I shouldn't work too hard, or that they're overwhelmed too. I know, but that doesn't really help, you know.
You'd probably say, why write a post about it? Why not just use the time to eat? Because I need to talk about it. I told some of my closest friends about what I'm going through, but not everything. I told them I often get think about self-injury, but mostly I just want to die. Like, one of my friends told me to call him whenever I get the urge to cut, but sometimes I just want to text him "I want to die," but he'll probably be really alarmed. It's not like I'm going to do it, though. I'm scared, you know. I'm scared of pain, but I just feel...wretched. I pray a lot, but it's not like God would come down from Heaven to take away all my homework. I still have to deal with it. He gives me strength, but I stumble immediately after my teacher tells me that this essay and this report and this project is due next class.
Have you ever watched or read It's Kind of A Funny Story by Ned Vizzini? Look it up. It's one of my favourite books, probably because I relate so much with Craig. Minus the drugs thing. And instead of learning life lessons from patients at the psychiatric ward, I am learning nothing. I think that's the bad thing with being perceptive? I know all the morals, all the things that main characters of novels learn at the end, so I can't have an epiphany. You know how frustrating that is? So anyway, yeah. Craig Gilner is basically me. Sort of. Or at least we share most of our struggles. I just recently experienced that whole vomiting-because-of-anxiety thing. It was mostly dry gagging, but it's terrible. I try to control it in school though. And some days I put my homework in front of me, intending to do it, but I just end up bursting into tears. Like right now.
I ended up munching on a dinner of crackers and water. My stomach hurts.
I'm tired.
Anxiety
Monday, January 16, 2012 @ 6:27 PM
| 0 notesRight now I'm down in the dumps, but I know that God will take care of me.
i don't even
Friday, January 27, 2012 @ 1:05 AM
| 0 notesI've lost weight in less than a month.
It's not a miracle. No, I'm not taking diet pills, and I'm not dieting, for that matter.
I've been starving myself.
Not because of that thinspiration crap or because I'm becoming anorexic or whatever. It's more of a punishing myself thing.
I don't eat until I've finished all my homework. Like right now. My stomach is twisting and the pain is almost too much to bear, but I can't eat. My science fair board is due tomorrow, and so is my 15-page research paper, notes for AP Psych, and Yearbook stuff. Mostly the science fair things. I feel like I don't deserve to eat because I haven't worked enough. I do, I know I do. I've been pushing myself too hard these past three weeks. I know because I feel the fatigue in my bones, the weariness to go to school not because I'm lazy, but because I know that my teachers would just pile on assignment after assignment, the anxiety that I would never finish everything that I'm supposed to do. I complain and talk about it a lot, of course, but I always laugh and pretend like I can actually do it. My classmates empathize with me and tell me that I shouldn't work too hard, or that they're overwhelmed too. I know, but that doesn't really help, you know.
You'd probably say, why write a post about it? Why not just use the time to eat? Because I need to talk about it. I told some of my closest friends about what I'm going through, but not everything. I told them I often get think about self-injury, but mostly I just want to die. Like, one of my friends told me to call him whenever I get the urge to cut, but sometimes I just want to text him "I want to die," but he'll probably be really alarmed. It's not like I'm going to do it, though. I'm scared, you know. I'm scared of pain, but I just feel...wretched. I pray a lot, but it's not like God would come down from Heaven to take away all my homework. I still have to deal with it. He gives me strength, but I stumble immediately after my teacher tells me that this essay and this report and this project is due next class.
Have you ever watched or read It's Kind of A Funny Story by Ned Vizzini? Look it up. It's one of my favourite books, probably because I relate so much with Craig. Minus the drugs thing. And instead of learning life lessons from patients at the psychiatric ward, I am learning nothing. I think that's the bad thing with being perceptive? I know all the morals, all the things that main characters of novels learn at the end, so I can't have an epiphany. You know how frustrating that is? So anyway, yeah. Craig Gilner is basically me. Sort of. Or at least we share most of our struggles. I just recently experienced that whole vomiting-because-of-anxiety thing. It was mostly dry gagging, but it's terrible. I try to control it in school though. And some days I put my homework in front of me, intending to do it, but I just end up bursting into tears. Like right now.
I ended up munching on a dinner of crackers and water. My stomach hurts.
I'm tired.
Anxiety
Monday, January 16, 2012 @ 6:27 PM
| 0 notesRight now I'm down in the dumps, but I know that God will take care of me.
