"happy" new year
Monday, December 31, 2012 @ 3:34 PM | 0 notes

Experiencing some intense dysphoria right now.

I mean, I have been really irritable since yesterday, probably because...lady hormones.

That, and I'm really bored because I don't like being stuck in the house so much and the one chance I get to go somewhere my dad decides to be controlling and insist that we just stay home and "spend time with the family."

As if just being inside the house and not really doing anything together counts as "spending time with the family."

Cooking media noche together is spending time with family. Playing games and singing karaoke is spending time with family. The more families, the better.

Sleeping while the kids go on the Internet is NOT spending time with family.

I feel so lonely.

I just want to go somewhere, anywhere.

Please.



"Mr. Cute Guy"
Sunday, December 23, 2012 @ 8:30 PM | 0 notes

AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

HAHHAHAHHAHAHAHA I CAN'T

so earlier today Frances mentioned me on Twitter, asking how Mr. Cute Guy is doing

i used to have this crush on one of my batchmates because i thought he was cute and he had this really bright orange hair plus he played the guitar

it was just a silly crush though so it's not that big of a deal

so yeah

but

guess who added me on Facebook today?

AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

sad thing though is that he's a druggie now and all his status messages don't make any sense

whatevs

it's not like i still have a crush on him

i just appreciated his cuteness

heh

but yeah it's sad that he's s druggie

welp

あきらめる
Sunday, December 16, 2012 @ 8:22 PM | 0 notes

i think

i think it's time to give up

some news, adulthood, and regrets
Monday, December 10, 2012 @ 8:57 PM | 0 notes

I thought this might be a relevant time to discuss my feelings about things.

I received two pieces of news today.

I won't do the good news, bad news thing because they're both bad.

News 1: My aunt is dead.
As far as I know she slipped in a bathroom and hit her head or something so they took her to the hospital where they performed a barrage of tests on her, but apparently everything was clean. Now she's dead.

I guess there's some internal hemorrhage that failed to appear on her results. This is why I've been telling them to bring her to Manila, where there's a much larger chance of effective treatment.

It's sad. She's a pretty crappy sister/sister-in-law, but she was a good aunt to me, so I definitely feel sad. She's the second out of my dad's three siblings to die. I can't imagine what my dad is feeling right now, even when she wasn't very nice to him. I also can't imagine how my grandma's feeling; she's outlived two of her kids. Her children too; they're all adults now but both of their parents are dead. I know this is really difficult for them.

News 2: My closest cousin is pregnant.
When I say closest, I mean that she's closest to me in age and we played together a lot when we were younger. This is a kid that used to sleep beside me, used to take showers with me, and we were just really close then. She's 18 days older than me. And she's pregnant.

I think this shocked me more than the news of my aunt's death. Oh yeah, I forgot to mention that this girl's also the youngest daughter of said aunt. Really bad timing.

I just...I can't wrap my head around this.

This girl.......is pregnant.

5 months.

I.....wow.

I'm not going to disclose any more information about my relatives, but I can imagine that she's feeling so much regret now because she wasn't present when her mother died.

I can't believe that this is the same girl who showed me that the best place to hide in is on top of closets and cupboards because no one ever looks up, the girl who liked to catch bats and beetles and tie strings to their legs so we can have animal kites, the girl who taught me how to ride a bike, the girl who swam with me in the farm irrigation system, the girl who was often called a monkey as she fearlessly climbed trees just to find the sweetest fruit, the girl who told the most ridiculous and hilarious stories about all kinds of people.

I loved her, and I couldn't do anything for her.

And it's sad.




On related (well sort of) news: One of the upperclassmen when I was in elementary school is also having a baby, so I looked through her Facebook profile. Then I saw she was present at another upperclassmen's wedding. Dang.
I really don't know why I'm shocked. They're of age now, of course. It's just weird for me, I guess. I tend to remember people differently, I think. I can clearly remember these upperclassmen running around the school and joking with the younger students. Now they're...adults.

Technically I'm an adult now too. And so are my friends.

My kuyas and ates in the college group are going to be married soon.

My Quesci batchmates are graduating and joining the workforce soon. Then marriage and babies.
(hi please don't forget to invite me to your weddings)

And I am all too aware that after college, I'm going to be working too. Then marriage and babies. I mean boyfriend first, of course. But after that, yeah, marriage and babies.




I think I like to think of the "good old days" too much. When I see my friends joining orgs, participating in competitions, finding jobs and such, it surprises me. Sometimes it's hard for me to understand that people grow old because I like to idealize the past, I think. I would always think of my elementary classmates as they were before, and my highschool friends will be the same people I hung out with. Behaviors would change; there will be character development; but they would always be the same set of people I knew.

I remember too much. The tiniest inside jokes, the comments that once meant something, the cutest text messages I received then, I remember them all. If it made me feel something, I remember it even now. Right now I have all the reason in the world to not be concerned about a lot of things about people from Quesci, I think I lost that right when I left four years ago. God, it's been four years. I lost the chance for my batchmates to know me. I know them, I know them by name and other things, but they have no idea who I am, and it genuinely makes me sad. But I still hold on to that two years that I had. I might be out of place sometimes, but I truly cared for that school and the people in it and that's all that matters.

To be honest, most of my regrets are centered around that place. If I had known I was leaving, I could have done so much more. So much more.

I don't regret going here. I am happy that I got to meet the people I met. I love my church friends to death and I am glad that they are a part of my life.

I just wish I did more with the short time I had in that school.

If I was Naho, if I found a way to send letters back in time, I would definitely write to the 11-year-old me. I would tell her that she wouldn't get to graduate from Quesci, so she should use the time she had to do things. I would tell her to go out with M3T a lot, and take lots and lots and lots of pictures. I would tell her that it's okay to not stress about her studies so much. I would tell her to join Himig. I would tell her to go tell that guy that she liked him. I would tell her to talk to more people. I would tell her to just enjoy herself and spend as much time as she could with her friends because that would be the thing she would miss the most and the memories she would need when she's walking around her new school alone.




But I can't do anything about that, can I?