i don't know anymore
Thursday, February 9, 2012 @ 6:32 PM | 0 notes

God God I don't want to deal with this
I shouldn't have to deal with this
I'm a kid, God
I shouldn't have to deal with this please
I can't
I'm not capable of this

i just want everything to be okay

i want to leave right now
go to a park or something
be alone
but no
i am surrounded by emotionally fragile people
i thought i was one of them
but not really
i'm quite strong actually
but not strong enough
i just want to get away from all of this
just
leave
run

this is why i like being alone
even if it makes me sad
when i'm alone
it's just me
and
i don't need to worry about other people
sounds selfish isn't it
because that's what i am
i'm human
and i'm selfish
i just want to protect myself
because it hurts so much to care
caring is the worst thing in the world
empathy is a curse
compassion is a burden
it hurts

i know God's there
he's always there
but it's not like he's going to descend from heaven and hold me
it's not that easy

sometimes i wish i was a psychopath
so i don't need to care
like
sometimes
i try to seem apathetic
and nonchalant about things
but the problem is
i care
a lot
if i was a psychopath then i wouldn't care
and i wouldn't be like this
and people would leave me alone
alone
like i always am
alone
like i would always be
because people leave
friends
family too
and in the end
it's just gonna be me
alone

i'm sorry
micah
ate myrrh
whoever the heck is reading this
i'm sorry
i love you all
but when i'm lying on my bed at night
it's just me
and my thoughts
and i feel like i'm drowning
because ever since i went here
my life has started spiraling down
i learned truths that i didn't want to know
developed habits that i would be better without
and i can't tell anybody
so i have to keep everything bottled up
and when i finally explode
i
i
i
i
i
i
i
i
i
i
i
i
i don't know what i'll do