i don't even understand my own feelings anymore
Sunday, September 23, 2012 @ 7:50 PM | 0 notes

Do I love you?

I don't know...yet.

If I had known you five years ago, I think I would have said yes,

that I loved you with all my heart and my soul,

with everything that I am and everything that I will be.

But that's youth's folly, and I'm older now,

and so much wiser.

Still no experience with relationships, sure, but I like to think that I'm familiar with society's perception of love.

I've even had my heart broken;

it wasn't devastating like I expected it to be.

It was more...disappointing.

In hindsight, it's probably disappointing because I thought I loved someone I merely liked.

Love is a word that's so easy to throw around;

I do it all the time.

I love coffee.

I love books.

I love waffle fries.

But do I love you like all those things?

No.

You are so much more.

But I refuse to say it.

I'm not going to say I love you,

even as I inconspicuously try to figure out what colour your eyes are every time I see you,

even as I find myself absentmindedly doodling the back of your head on my notes like a child,

even as I marvel at the intense look you have whenever you perform onstage,

even as I release the breath that I've apparently been holding since you entered the room,

even as I stare at your name on my chat list, wondering if I should talk to you,

even as I catch myself smiling at the mention of anything that I can relate to something you said,

even as I imagine what you would be like in 10 years and cringing as I think of you being happy with your future girlfriend,

even as I chastise myself for being mushy and creepy and just overall being a person that I didn't know I am...

I'm not going to say it.

Because when I do -

it's not a matter of if I do it -

moving on from your inevitable rejection will be so much harder,

and the heartbreak will consume me.


And so, like the lyrics from a song that we've sung together before,

I don't love you

but I always will.