This blog was opened by Jireh to accommodate her mindless musings and daily rantings. Do enjoy your stay here, and don't forget to be awesome.
Talk to me here.

I feel dead inside.



hehehe he's online hehehehe marcus is too his status message is funny heh girlfriend relationships are weird jane austen natalie portman no i mean kiera knightly is so pretty lizzie bennet i wish i was lizzie bennet dance scene with mr darcy what's his name? he's cute nathan oh wow so weird creepy pathetic micah i miss micah we don't talk anymore but it's okay at least she's happy that's what's important yeah at least she has someone to rely on even if it's not me i have this rad study table now i don't live in the same place anymore st. matthews bowie high library we're so close to places now mcdonalds giant starbucks subway coldstone and also hehehe his house ate myrrh said we could hang out now ha we totally could in my dreams lol i wish anyhooo doctor who today the ponds are leaving ponjie's not answering my facetime calls and i want to watch now statue of liberty weeping angels i called this like the first time i saw the weeping angels ok but wow i don't want them to leave because bias yamada ryosuke i haven't really followed hsj in years but one thing i'm sure of is that they can still make me squeal spike buffy i don't even watch buffy james marsden ok wrong guy james


I know I said I'm only going to do these once in a while, but I change my mind. They're too fun.

i wish i can eat nori forever uhm i can't stop eating kanina pa thirty nine alarm from other room maybe i hate it when mama watches be careful with my heart jodi sta maria oh wait nbc i don't know cabin in the woods chris hemsworth is a hottie the dana girl was so pretty omg she looked like jayma mays i loved uhm what's his name oh marty even though he smokes pot he's oh seaweed on my finger he's the most sensible character reality shows iyanu texted me today i feel mean uhmmmm everyone else but youuuu i don't even like one direction harry styles he said his hair looks like harry's phil said he has a poster i want a doctor who poster white walls thou shalt not park here red bricks we're moving soon mcdonalds i'm going to be super close to the church now yes bus stop i hit the sidewalk and this is how it starts the lead singer of young the giant forty one he looks exactly like nick miller in zooey deschanel new girl hey girl whatcha doing eyes red lipstick winston is cool schmidt cece so pretty black dress robbie comeau

Somehow this seems more incoherent. Huh.

oh snapskis it's already starting but kuya milton is chatting with me and i can't aaaaahhhh okay so what do i write dangit it's supposed to be cool and deep but i that publish button is kind of glowing maybe i should answer kuya's message maybe later this is just five minutes after all but then that's kind of rude yeah light of the world forever reign i'm running to your arms i'm running to your arms the riches of your love will always be enough okay why bowie allen pond i want to go ice skating sometime with he was online today for a few seconds around 10:53 i think he's always online around that time but he's a person who doesn't stick for long i actually have this game i play with myself like i try to see how long he stays online and everytime he logs off i say "of course he's off, he never stays long" or sometimes i go huh he stayed longer than yesterday what a creep i'm such a creep oh i talked with jacob today about college what a nice guy he even gave me tips and matthew 6:34 i think because i worry too much about my life oh i really should look at kuya milton's message ok hold on hey look i already broke the rules shame on me jesus jesuuuuus this song is stuck in my head oh oops timer



Wow. No rule-breaking in the future, I swear. This is kind of fun, though. I felt like the time is pretty short?? Also my thoughts are too fast ugh I'm probably doing this wrong. I promise to do better next time!

Once in a while I'm going to do these stream of consciousness entries. The basic rules are:

Write nonstop for a set period of time.

Do not make corrections as you write.

Keep writing, even if you have to write something like, "I don’t know what to write."

Write whatever comes into your mind.

Do not judge or censor what you are writing.

If your free writing is neat and coherent, you probably haven’t loosened up enough.

Right now, I like (yes, let's call it that for now) you for the shallowest reasons.

I like you because

you are a great singer

you are cute

you can play the guitar and other musical instruments

you are tall

you have the most beautiful eyes.


Shallow, isn't it?

But if that was all there is it it I would have liked you the moment I met you

but I didn't.


I like you because

you are passionate for God;
you convict me and your love for Him motivates me to be a better Christian.

You are kind;
they say you're somewhat of a jerk,
but that's not what I saw when you sang with a friend to save him from humiliation.

You are intelligent;
you say that you would have failed if you went to a public high school just because you couldn't get into college algebra. Screw that; you were in college way before I was. Anyone who talks to you can see how smart you are.

You are funny,
and not in the I-like-you-so-everything-you-say-is-extra-hilarious way; you genuinely make me laugh.


You are just plain great to be around.


But the kuyas told me

that I've been putting you on a pedestal

because I keep on insisting you're a 10.

Maybe they're right.


This is the real reason why I keep on saying that I like you, instead of the other l-word

(lesbians? Maybe I'm in lesbians with you.)

Love includes understanding and accepting someone beyond all that is on the surface.

Now that I think about it, I don't even know you.

Not really.

I know the image you project,

but not really you.


But I am really interested to know

what you like

what you feel

what you are.


But don't be mistaken;

I'm not doing this in hopes that you will fall for me

because I have long since accepted that it's impossible.

I'm doing this because you genuinely intrigue me

and because I want to know who you really are.





I can't wait to fall in love with you.

Do I love you?

I don't know...yet.

If I had known you five years ago, I think I would have said yes,

that I loved you with all my heart and my soul,

with everything that I am and everything that I will be.

But that's youth's folly, and I'm older now,

and so much wiser.

Still no experience with relationships, sure, but I like to think that I'm familiar with society's perception of love.

I've even had my heart broken;

it wasn't devastating like I expected it to be.

It was more...disappointing.

In hindsight, it's probably disappointing because I thought I loved someone I merely liked.

Love is a word that's so easy to throw around;

I do it all the time.

I love coffee.

I love books.

I love waffle fries.

But do I love you like all those things?

No.

You are so much more.

But I refuse to say it.

I'm not going to say I love you,

even as I inconspicuously try to figure out what colour your eyes are every time I see you,

even as I find myself absentmindedly doodling the back of your head on my notes like a child,

even as I marvel at the intense look you have whenever you perform onstage,

even as I release the breath that I've apparently been holding since you entered the room,

even as I stare at your name on my chat list, wondering if I should talk to you,

even as I catch myself smiling at the mention of anything that I can relate to something you said,

even as I imagine what you would be like in 10 years and cringing as I think of you being happy with your future girlfriend,

even as I chastise myself for being mushy and creepy and just overall being a person that I didn't know I am...

I'm not going to say it.

Because when I do -

it's not a matter of if I do it -

moving on from your inevitable rejection will be so much harder,

and the heartbreak will consume me.


And so, like the lyrics from a song that we've sung together before,

I don't love you

but I always will.




I like seeing you online.

In The Fault in Our Stars, Hazel Grace said, “And then the line was quite but not dead. I almost felt like he was there in my room with me, but in a way it was better, like I was not in my room and he was not in his, but instead we were together in some invisible and tenuous third space that could only be visited on the phone.”

It's kind of like that. Except the Internet is the third space, and I'm the only one who actually cares.

I want a perfume that smells like coffee and flowers. Not coffee flower, but like, a cup of coffee and jasmines or something.

Is that even possible?

I just want my own signature scent. Like, people would smell it and immediately associate it with me. That would be super :)

I like him too much.

I'm sorry

I'm too inadequate, too simple, too shallow

Try as I might

I'm not poetic enough to fully convey how amazing you are


What even is anatomy?
What even is aesthetics?
What even is art?

I know it looks crappy, but I've never been the artistic one in our group sooooo yeah. Also medyo bangag na 'ko kasi late na. Je suis désolée, mon amie. ♥

Anyways, I would just like to say thanks for everything. I mean, I always say that, but I really mean it. 

Even though you're literally at the other side of the world, you still talk to me and stuff. You're one of the only ones that do, so thank you. Thanks for being a manga buddy; you're the only one who can understand my feels, man. I LOVE YOU T______T Also thanks for enduring my pathetic whining and feels-dumping and for supporting me and my ~ultimate 3d dude of feels~ HAHAHA

I wish I can talk to you in person again because the Internet just doesn't cut it anymore ;____; I have so much to say but I can't quite express it in words?? I don't even know, man. Sorry for being such a spazz. See, I'm this sorry spazzing excuse of a girl but I know you still love me so really, thank you so much hihihi ^____^ 

This is your last year of being a teenager, no? Enjoy it; I trust your decisions naman eh. :) Please know that I'm always praying for you, for your safety and happiness and protection against people that will hurt you. I hope that you'll always be the awesome person that you are and that if you change, you change for the better. 

Oh and if you need someone to talk to, don't forget that I'm always going to be here for you.

I love you so much, and I miss you! ♥♥♥

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