rage
Sunday, February 19, 2012 @ 9:04 PM
| 0 notesI have never been so angry at anyone in my life before.
It would sound stupid and childish, but I am genuinely upset right now. The editor of Manila Mail corresponded with me about the spelling bee I won recently, and asked several questions which I happily answered. I knew it was going to be published on the paper and online, so I answered the questions to the best of my ability and blahblahblah. Apparently, the article came out a few days ago, and the first person to inform me was Pastor Ro. He also kept on mentioning that in my photo I was doing the Asian pose, you know, with peace sign and stuff. I don't remember ever taking a photo like that, certainly not during the bee. And then one of my teachers linked me the online article.
They used a photo of me that I took almost 4 years ago, one that I used as a profile picture in a website that is not even a social networking site and a website that I haven't visited in
years. Oh, they also got my age wrong, because they took the information from the freaking site.
THEY JUST DECIDED TO GOOGLE MY NAME AND USE THE FIRST PICTURE THEY GOT.
WITHOUT MY PERMISSION.
I know some people will say,
Oh, you put it in the Internet, so it's public. Or,
If you put it as a profile picture, then it's okay because everyone will see it anyway.
Don't make me laugh.
Never mind that that photo is absolutely hideous, but I think I have the right to know where
MY face will be posted, especially if it's going to be on print. They asked me for an interview; they could've asked me for a photo. The teacher that referred me to the editor said that he submitted a picture of me that he submitted before for another program, a picture that
I gave him voluntarily.
Okay, so say that they still decided to use that photo of me. Uhm, hello? Can't they have at least notified me that,
Hey, we're gonna use this photo of you. We found it on the Internet, and you can't really do anything about it because it's public. We just want you to know that we're going to go ahead and use it anyway.
Seriously, I am livid right now. I can't even cry, and I usually cry when I'm mad. I'm torn between crying and punching something.
I just feel really violated.
I mean, they made a profit out of this. Can't they be a bit more considerate? Because it really hurts, you know. I just feel really bad about myself now. It's like, I can't even be proud of this article because I felt like I was violated. I don't want anyone to see this article because I'm ashamed of myself and I look hideous and I didn't give authorization for this crap to be released and I'm so ugly and God I wish the ground would just open up and swallow me and maybe i should just disappear from the Internet because I'm scared of this happening again and i really don't want anyone reading this stupid article and maybe i should just stop doing things that would draw attention to myself see this is why i don't want to be involved in school because there is always a risk that i would be conspicuous and when one is conspicuous crap like this happen and oh my god i want to die
for you in full bloom
Wednesday, February 15, 2012 @ 3:21 PM
| 0 notesRewatching Hana Kimi for the third time and still crying like I've never seen it before.
I love the whole cast, man.
Makes me wish I attended this school.
Also, YUU SHIROTA IS SO UNF-WORTHY ASJDHAKSJDHKSJAHDJKSAHDSKJA
ETA: Also, watching the SP and thinking WHAT EVEN IS YOUR HAIR, SANO
And it's funny that they're having a Valentine's celebration and today is the 15th. Whoop.
Did I ever mention how much I love Ikuta Toma and Yamamoto Yusuke?
BECAUSE I DO SADHUAKSHDSUKJADHJKHDUKSAHDJHASDAHKUDHASKUDLHSAK
Okada Masaki also grew on me and just sahgdhasgdshadashdsjajahdakjd
Let's take a break from my emo-ness and celebrate love blog post 2012!
Tuesday, February 14, 2012 @ 5:41 PM
| 0 notesI want to fall in love.
I mean, like LOVE love.
Romantic love. Eros love.
There are times when I begin to really like a person and I would think that I love them, but that's a lie.
I just care deeply for them.
Like, super deep caring.
But I don't think I've ever fallen in love before.
If you follow me on Tumblr, you would see that I've been posting a lot of Spuffy lately.
What the heck is Spuffy, you might ask.
Spuffy is basically the ship name of Spike and Buffy, from Buffy the Vampire Slayer, which I have never seen in my life.
But I am really, really, really obsessed with this ship.
Why?
BECAUSE SPIKE.
Spike is a soulless vampire who fell in love with a slayer that he's supposed to kill and who's supposed to kill him.
There is a point to my fangirlish ravings, just wait.
Now I hate paranormal romance.
But THIS SHIP.
Spike fell in love with Buffy even though she never loved him. She called him a disgusting monster; she told him he is beneath her; she repeatedly said that she would never love him.
They did have a relationship, but it was
really physical and abusive. I think that's Buffy's thing though. Eh.
Anyway, she basically used him, and he knew it.
But he never said anything, never demanded anything.
The best night of his life is when he watched Buffy sleep in his arms.
This is a soulless vampire we're talking about, okay.
Sure, he did some bad things, but soulless vampire, remember?
When she died, he took care of her sister.
When she came back, he was her best friend.
When the Scoobies kicked her out of the team, he was the one who stuck with her.
When she needed a champion, he died for her.
All because he loved her.
"Now, you listen to me. I’ve been alive a bit longer than you. And dead a lot longer than that. I’ve seen things you couldn’t imagine - done things I’d prefer you didn’t. I don’t exactly have a reputation for being a thinker. I follow my blood. Which doesn’t exactly rush in the direction of my brain. I've made a lot of mistakes. A lot of wrong bloody calls. A hundred plus years and there’s only one thing I’ve ever been sure of. You." - Spike (Touched)
UGH, THIS IS THE MOST ANGSTY OTP EVER.
Anyway, the point is that I want to love like Spike.
Or like Nakatsu in Hana Kimi. Or Rui in Hana Yori Dango. Or Hikaru in Ouran. Or basically every other third wheel in every show ever made.
I want to experience that heart-breaking, gut-wrenching feeling that is love.
I want to be able to say that I loved someone so much that even if he loved someone else I could say that I still loved him.
I'm not a masochist, though, if you're thinking that.
I was just...thinking.
Or maybe all this is just a result of the countless dramas that I have watched throughout my life.
Nevermind me then.
These are merely musings of my bored, bored mind.
However, I know that God will provide the perfect man for me.
I'm still waiting, and I can only hope that it's going to be an interesting love story~
i don't know anymore
Thursday, February 9, 2012 @ 6:32 PM
| 0 notesGod God I don't want to deal with this
I shouldn't have to deal with this
I'm a kid, God
I shouldn't have to deal with this please
I can't
I'm not capable of this
i just want everything to be okay
i want to leave right now
go to a park or something
be alone
but no
i am surrounded by emotionally fragile people
i thought i was one of them
but not really
i'm quite strong actually
but not strong enough
i just want to get away from all of this
just
leave
run
this is why i like being alone
even if it makes me sad
when i'm alone
it's just me
and
i don't need to worry about other people
sounds selfish isn't it
because that's what i am
i'm human
and i'm selfish
i just want to protect myself
because it hurts so much to care
caring is the worst thing in the world
empathy is a curse
compassion is a burden
it hurts
i know God's there
he's always there
but it's not like he's going to descend from heaven and hold me
it's not that easy
sometimes i wish i was a psychopath
so i don't need to care
like
sometimes
i try to seem apathetic
and nonchalant about things
but the problem is
i care
a lot
if i was a psychopath then i wouldn't care
and i wouldn't be like this
and people would leave me alone
alone
like i always am
alone
like i would always be
because people leave
friends
family too
and in the end
it's just gonna be me
alone
i'm sorry
micah
ate myrrh
whoever the heck is reading this
i'm sorry
i love you all
but when i'm lying on my bed at night
it's just me
and my thoughts
and i feel like i'm drowning
because ever since i went here
my life has started spiraling down
i learned truths that i didn't want to know
developed habits that i would be better without
and i can't tell anybody
so i have to keep everything bottled up
and when i finally explode
i
i
i
i
i
i
i
i
i
i
i
i
i don't know what i'll do
rage
Sunday, February 19, 2012 @ 9:04 PM
| 0 notesI have never been so angry at anyone in my life before.
It would sound stupid and childish, but I am genuinely upset right now. The editor of Manila Mail corresponded with me about the spelling bee I won recently, and asked several questions which I happily answered. I knew it was going to be published on the paper and online, so I answered the questions to the best of my ability and blahblahblah. Apparently, the article came out a few days ago, and the first person to inform me was Pastor Ro. He also kept on mentioning that in my photo I was doing the Asian pose, you know, with peace sign and stuff. I don't remember ever taking a photo like that, certainly not during the bee. And then one of my teachers linked me the online article.
They used a photo of me that I took almost 4 years ago, one that I used as a profile picture in a website that is not even a social networking site and a website that I haven't visited in
years. Oh, they also got my age wrong, because they took the information from the freaking site.
THEY JUST DECIDED TO GOOGLE MY NAME AND USE THE FIRST PICTURE THEY GOT.
WITHOUT MY PERMISSION.
I know some people will say,
Oh, you put it in the Internet, so it's public. Or,
If you put it as a profile picture, then it's okay because everyone will see it anyway.
Don't make me laugh.
Never mind that that photo is absolutely hideous, but I think I have the right to know where
MY face will be posted, especially if it's going to be on print. They asked me for an interview; they could've asked me for a photo. The teacher that referred me to the editor said that he submitted a picture of me that he submitted before for another program, a picture that
I gave him voluntarily.
Okay, so say that they still decided to use that photo of me. Uhm, hello? Can't they have at least notified me that,
Hey, we're gonna use this photo of you. We found it on the Internet, and you can't really do anything about it because it's public. We just want you to know that we're going to go ahead and use it anyway.
Seriously, I am livid right now. I can't even cry, and I usually cry when I'm mad. I'm torn between crying and punching something.
I just feel really violated.
I mean, they made a profit out of this. Can't they be a bit more considerate? Because it really hurts, you know. I just feel really bad about myself now. It's like, I can't even be proud of this article because I felt like I was violated. I don't want anyone to see this article because I'm ashamed of myself and I look hideous and I didn't give authorization for this crap to be released and I'm so ugly and God I wish the ground would just open up and swallow me and maybe i should just disappear from the Internet because I'm scared of this happening again and i really don't want anyone reading this stupid article and maybe i should just stop doing things that would draw attention to myself see this is why i don't want to be involved in school because there is always a risk that i would be conspicuous and when one is conspicuous crap like this happen and oh my god i want to die
for you in full bloom
Wednesday, February 15, 2012 @ 3:21 PM
| 0 notesRewatching Hana Kimi for the third time and still crying like I've never seen it before.
I love the whole cast, man.
Makes me wish I attended this school.
Also, YUU SHIROTA IS SO UNF-WORTHY ASJDHAKSJDHKSJAHDJKSAHDSKJA
ETA: Also, watching the SP and thinking WHAT EVEN IS YOUR HAIR, SANO
And it's funny that they're having a Valentine's celebration and today is the 15th. Whoop.
Did I ever mention how much I love Ikuta Toma and Yamamoto Yusuke?
BECAUSE I DO SADHUAKSHDSUKJADHJKHDUKSAHDJHASDAHKUDHASKUDLHSAK
Okada Masaki also grew on me and just sahgdhasgdshadashdsjajahdakjd
Let's take a break from my emo-ness and celebrate love blog post 2012!
Tuesday, February 14, 2012 @ 5:41 PM
| 0 notesI want to fall in love.
I mean, like LOVE love.
Romantic love. Eros love.
There are times when I begin to really like a person and I would think that I love them, but that's a lie.
I just care deeply for them.
Like, super deep caring.
But I don't think I've ever fallen in love before.
If you follow me on Tumblr, you would see that I've been posting a lot of Spuffy lately.
What the heck is Spuffy, you might ask.
Spuffy is basically the ship name of Spike and Buffy, from Buffy the Vampire Slayer, which I have never seen in my life.
But I am really, really, really obsessed with this ship.
Why?
BECAUSE SPIKE.
Spike is a soulless vampire who fell in love with a slayer that he's supposed to kill and who's supposed to kill him.
There is a point to my fangirlish ravings, just wait.
Now I hate paranormal romance.
But THIS SHIP.
Spike fell in love with Buffy even though she never loved him. She called him a disgusting monster; she told him he is beneath her; she repeatedly said that she would never love him.
They did have a relationship, but it was
really physical and abusive. I think that's Buffy's thing though. Eh.
Anyway, she basically used him, and he knew it.
But he never said anything, never demanded anything.
The best night of his life is when he watched Buffy sleep in his arms.
This is a soulless vampire we're talking about, okay.
Sure, he did some bad things, but soulless vampire, remember?
When she died, he took care of her sister.
When she came back, he was her best friend.
When the Scoobies kicked her out of the team, he was the one who stuck with her.
When she needed a champion, he died for her.
All because he loved her.
"Now, you listen to me. I’ve been alive a bit longer than you. And dead a lot longer than that. I’ve seen things you couldn’t imagine - done things I’d prefer you didn’t. I don’t exactly have a reputation for being a thinker. I follow my blood. Which doesn’t exactly rush in the direction of my brain. I've made a lot of mistakes. A lot of wrong bloody calls. A hundred plus years and there’s only one thing I’ve ever been sure of. You." - Spike (Touched)
UGH, THIS IS THE MOST ANGSTY OTP EVER.
Anyway, the point is that I want to love like Spike.
Or like Nakatsu in Hana Kimi. Or Rui in Hana Yori Dango. Or Hikaru in Ouran. Or basically every other third wheel in every show ever made.
I want to experience that heart-breaking, gut-wrenching feeling that is love.
I want to be able to say that I loved someone so much that even if he loved someone else I could say that I still loved him.
I'm not a masochist, though, if you're thinking that.
I was just...thinking.
Or maybe all this is just a result of the countless dramas that I have watched throughout my life.
Nevermind me then.
These are merely musings of my bored, bored mind.
However, I know that God will provide the perfect man for me.
I'm still waiting, and I can only hope that it's going to be an interesting love story~
i don't know anymore
Thursday, February 9, 2012 @ 6:32 PM
| 0 notesGod God I don't want to deal with this
I shouldn't have to deal with this
I'm a kid, God
I shouldn't have to deal with this please
I can't
I'm not capable of this
i just want everything to be okay
i want to leave right now
go to a park or something
be alone
but no
i am surrounded by emotionally fragile people
i thought i was one of them
but not really
i'm quite strong actually
but not strong enough
i just want to get away from all of this
just
leave
run
this is why i like being alone
even if it makes me sad
when i'm alone
it's just me
and
i don't need to worry about other people
sounds selfish isn't it
because that's what i am
i'm human
and i'm selfish
i just want to protect myself
because it hurts so much to care
caring is the worst thing in the world
empathy is a curse
compassion is a burden
it hurts
i know God's there
he's always there
but it's not like he's going to descend from heaven and hold me
it's not that easy
sometimes i wish i was a psychopath
so i don't need to care
like
sometimes
i try to seem apathetic
and nonchalant about things
but the problem is
i care
a lot
if i was a psychopath then i wouldn't care
and i wouldn't be like this
and people would leave me alone
alone
like i always am
alone
like i would always be
because people leave
friends
family too
and in the end
it's just gonna be me
alone
i'm sorry
micah
ate myrrh
whoever the heck is reading this
i'm sorry
i love you all
but when i'm lying on my bed at night
it's just me
and my thoughts
and i feel like i'm drowning
because ever since i went here
my life has started spiraling down
i learned truths that i didn't want to know
developed habits that i would be better without
and i can't tell anybody
so i have to keep everything bottled up
and when i finally explode
i
i
i
i
i
i
i
i
i
i
i
i
i don't know what i'll do
